In a mere seven days my sweet girl will be a year old. And, just as it was hard for me to see her birth year come to an end, its also bittersweet for me to see her move from infancy to the early toddler years.
The last year has been in.credible. Its hard to find words to adequately express the things I've learned over the last twelve months, but I'm sure in no time I'll have come up with a lengthy post anyway!
What have I learned about myself?
I’m more of a control freak than I ever realized. My husband is more than capable of keeping our child safe and caring for her in the ways he sees most appropriate and yet there are far too many times that I intervene because I think he needs my two cents. I want to control the environment we live in and while that’s possible to a certain extent, I’m not superwoman and so I have to let lots of things go. I want to control what Z is exposed to and yeah, its possible for a while, but I will have to release her into the real world a little more with each passing month and that scares me some. I want to control what people give her, but I can’t say that certain gifts are acceptable and others aren’t. I want to control a lot of things, but I am learning – all will be learning for a while – how to stop those thoughts and let go.
Love. In the nearly four years I’ve been married, the concept of love has been an ever-evolving thing for me. My husband showers me with love daily and leaves me speechless with the ways he cares for me. My love for him deepens with each passing week and just when I think I can’t love him more, voila! I just do! But now I have this wee person, this girl that was created out of said love and my heart swells at the very thought of her name. everyone tells you and you can never fully get it til you’re a parent yourself, but you really do learn to love in a whole new way once a baby enters the picture. I loved her from the second I thought we might’ve conceived her and as she grew within me I learned to love her more. Today she’s almost a year old and has so much of me and Blinn in her that its scary at times. I see lots of Mom in her too and its hauntingly beautiful. So much love. Yeah, I will probably never have the words to suitably express what I am learning about love.
I am smart. Ironically, seeing those three words in writing actually looks a little dumb to me, but its actually been a revelation to me in the last twelve months. I have a mother’s intuition that is inexplicable at times and at other times, its just confirmation that yes, I am a smart woman who does what’s best for her family. I make good choices for my daughter and I inform myself about everything under the sun when it comes to trying to raise her well. I’m learning from my mistakes all the time and hoping for a child that grows up loving me, liking me, and maybe even wanting to be like me some day. Its humbling and bold all at the same time to write these words out today. Many days I don’t feel smart, I don’t know that I’m doing the best I can, and I don’t trust that my child will grow up to like me. Parenting is such a roller coaster and I know there’s no formula that will make everything perfect, but hell, I’m trying.
The union between my husband and I has for sure changed over the last year, but I truly believe we are coming out stronger than the day Z was born. He was my rock throughout pregnancy and a servant, helping in me in any way her could. He was my cheerleader and my strong tower as I worked all those hours to bring our babe into the world. He was my gentle, sensitive boy who wept at the sight of our daughter and the touch of her teeny hand in his. He continues to be the finest friend I will ever be fortunate to know. He is growing into a extraordinary father, one that Zachari Jane will grow up loving and respecting and bragging about.
I have been stretched in ways I didn’t know I could be stretched – both literally and figuratively, unfortunately. Yes, there are a few stretch marks on this old bod that are daily reminders of how my body grew to house a new human. There are things that I see in the mirror today that never used to be there, but I don’t really mind. (Most days) I am proud of the way I look and though its not my ideal appearance, it’s the me that evolved after carrying two babies, birthing two babies and learning more about life, death, love and sacrifice than anything else could’ve ever taught me. So yeah, I’m okay with my body… most days.
Sweet Baby Girl teaches me more than I think I’ll ever teach her in a lifetime. That’s sort of a crazy thought to me, but at the same time, I’m alright with it. What a gift it is to be in the presence of an innocent child. What a gift my innocent child certainly is.
Okay. These rambles need to come to an end. I sure had more eloquent, monumental stuff stored up inside than what actually came out in his post. Oh well. Here’s to imperfection and lack of control, eh?!
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