It seems a little silly to put it like this, but nearly eighteen months into this gig, I'm still learning how to do well at being a stay-at-home mom and wife. Today I am failing. Not so much at the mom part, but the wife part. At lunch time Blinn and I had an uncomfortable little spat (that was quickly worked through, thank goodness) and my flaws in this new role I've taken on were staring me in the face. I said nasty things, I sort of acted like a brat, I let my fatigue and emotions get the best of me and I probably blew some things a little out of proportion. I even went so far as to say "I don't like our life here." What?! That's not true! Not really. But in the last couple of weeks I haven't been as happy in my family life as I had hoped and so when push came to shove in a heated discussion, those were the words that fell from my tongue. I regret it. Whatever. Can't undo what I said. We are pressing through.
As unhappy and as lonely as Blinn and I were in BG for all those years, we had things really good. The beginning of our marriage was slow and steady and free of distractions from people or extracurricular things to do. We had only each other to lean on and our work was low stress allowing us to still have energy for each other at the end of the day. Things have changed. We've added a child to the mix, Blinn's job is super fast-paced and stressful, I never get a good night's sleep anymore, our financial situation still isn't what we'd like it to be, we're stretched thin when it comes to quality time together as a family, let alone husband and wife. We're having to rework our family rhythm and find our new normal. None of this is life-shattering stuff here, I know. Its just a big time of adjustment for us and more times than I care to admit, I don't adjust all that gracefully.
There's not a whole lot of down time when you're home all day and to many, that probably sounds preposterous. There's always a dish to be washed, a load of laundry to tackle, bills to be sorted and paid, a meal to prepare, a need that Baby Girl has... It doesn't stop. Many days I am longing for the 9:00 hour to roll around at night because usually I can just be done. I melt into a big ball of mush around that time too and can barely carry on adult conversations or get things done. I'm spent. What's happening here? Am I getting old or something?!
I need to learn more about balance. My expectations for myself need to be more realistic as do the ones I have for my husband. I need to be honest - more honest than I already am - with myself and with Matt. I need to let things go and not try to have control over so many of the little, unimportant things. I need to love better. Oh God, do I need to love better. I don't do it very well, actually, and its high time I changed that.
I'm drained. Z's napping and I still have half of the day to tackle before I can kick up my feet and breathe a sigh of relief for the day. Maybe one child is all we will have. How in the world will I do this with two?
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