Wednesday, February 29, 2012

At the mercy of others

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted." - Psalm 9:9-10,12

What a humbling, stretching month its been. Several people have now seen me in the midst of an attack and I've had to rely on them to literally try and survive. I feel almost a little silly relating these verses to my situation, but as Sara reminded me, my BREATHING is at stake here. The very thing that gives me life (short of my brain and heart, of course). Its okay to feel/think whatever because this is a big deal. I wonder though, how would I handle a physical ailment that's more severe? What about cancer or Alzheimer's in a loved one or a serious illness plaguing my child? I can't focus on that now I suppose. How could I possibly know, anyway?

Truth is, I do feel oppressed by this and I know that God can be - and is - my safe place through it, but sometimes that's hard to see. Sunday's attack I tried drawing near to God more than before. When I could mutter words aloud I said "Pray... Jesus..." and then the only thing that even remotely calmed me down was repeating Zachari's name over and over. I couldn't die because she needs me, I was reminding myself of that. What an awful, terrifying feeling. But back to Psalms...

How thankful I am that I do know God and that I'm continually learning how to trust Him with my life. Somewhere really deep down in me I know He doesn't forsake the ones He loves, but at the same time, I know that doesn't mean we're spared from harm or trials. Crap! 

Bottom line: He hasn't forgotten me - nor will He ever. I am not alone.

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