Brave

Hi. My name is Kelli... and I listen to Top 40 radio. 

Wow, how things have changed. To be honest, I don't even enjoy the top forty stations all that much, but sometimes I need a break from answering questions or whining or crying while I'm in the car so I blast some tunes. A while back I found that if I sing along to the music that comes on, both of my kids are quiet. I don't know if its just the music they like or if they actually like that I sing along. Who cares. I do it. Often. And I do it to songs by teeny boppers and hipsters because well, their stuff is catchy. Whatevs.

Zachari Jane and I really like Brave by Sara Bareilles. Today we found the video on YouTube and its so fun. Wouldn't you know that I sat there on the couch watching as Zachari was on the floor in front of me dancing and singing to her heart's content and I was crying? I mean like visibly crying, almost gonna make noises kind of a cry! Why? I was filled with so much joy and pride for the little girl I get to help raise in this world. She is amazing. She's funny and smart and caring and wise and a great dancer with a sweet little voice who just loves to love. I want her to be so confident in who she is and how loved she is that she can be like one of the people in the video. I want her to dance unabashedly in public and march to the beat of her own drum. I want her to stand tall with her head held high. The lyrics of the song are great. My girl is brave. My girl is going to be one who stands up for others and helps take care of them. She'll be a total game-changer in this world. She shows us all the time how big her brave is. I'm in awe.

So yeah. I listen to the song with her sometimes and we shout out the lyrics and when I do, tears roll down my face. Its alright. It fills me with such love and joy. My girl is awesome. How in the world do I get to be her mama?

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave...

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

This morning Alanis Morissette's "That I Would Be Good" came on iTunes, one I haven't heard in a long time. I can't remember when I heard the song for the first time - maybe seven years ago? - Corbin introduced it to me. I could relate to what Alanis was singing from the very first line and the lyrics have been something I store in the back of my mind and reflect on every now and then. I'm thinking an art piece might come out of this someday... 

that I would be good even if I did nothing

that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

that I would be good if I got and stayed sick

that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

that I would be great if I was no longer queen

that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself

that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

that I would be loved even when I was fuming

that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity

that I would be good

whether with or without you

Sung from my heart for the first time in a LONG time

You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart

You are my Father in heaven

You ride upon the clouds, You lead me to the Truth

You are the Spirit inside me

You poured out all Your blood, You died upon the cross

You are my Jesus who loves me

You are beautiful, my sweet, sweet song

and I will sing again

You are my strong melody

You are my dancing rhythm

You are my perfect rhyme

And I want to sing forever

A beautiful new year

An impromptu evening with Kristina and Aaron MacCaughey (and their littles, for a short time) playing games, enjoying fine foods and drinks, laughing, crying, praying, sharing, growing. Aaron read this from Celtic Daily Prayer in the first couple minutes of the new year and it was beautiful. Olafur Arnalds' music was playing in the background and the moment was absolutely perfect. 


The opening door


This day is a new day
that has never been before. 
This year is a new year, 
the opening door. 


Enter, Lord Christ -
we have joy in Your coming. 
You have given us life;
and we welcome Your coming. 


I turn now to face You, 
I lift up my eyes. 
Be blessing my face, Lord;
be blessing my eyes.
May all my eye looks on
be blessed and be bright,
my neighbours, my loved ones
be blessed in Your sight.


You have given us life
and we welcome Your coming. 
Be with us, Lord, 
we have joy, we have joy.
This year is a new year,
the opening door.
Be with us, Lord, 
we have joy, we have joy. 

2012, I welcome you. 

January, I welcome you. 

Jesus, I welcome you.

Bon Iver

Oh, Justin Vernon.

Your falcetto voice is insane. I mean, no man should be able to sing as high as you do. You do though, and you rock it. And I'll admit your high pitch is an acquired taste for some, but for me? It was love at first listen. Your music has helped me grieve losses in my life and weep with joy over the good things I've been given.

I often have no idea what your lyrics mean and what's even more confusing at times, is the music videos that go along with your songs, but who cares? This song (and the gorgeous images from the video) has been in my head all week and has haunted me. What is it about when you sing "And at once I knew I was not magnificent." that gets to my core and shakes me up a little? Maybe because I know I'm not all that magnificent either. I fail - every day. I aim too high and then don't follow through with things. I bite back at others when really I should be loving them gently. I struggle with pride as much as the next guy. Yeah, I am not magnificent. 

How thankful I am though for the patience, love, and grace that I receive when my shortcomings get the best of me. You continue to speak to me with your tunes. So thanks, you introverted, bearded, woodsman.  

Poison & Wine

I've been obsessed with this song for the last five days. 

I find it beautiful, raw, intense and hauntingly honest. 

I just found out they'll be in Columbus in less than two weeks. Oh, Money Gods, why don't you send me twenty-five bones so I can go? Its been far too long since I saw a good band live. 

Sigh...

I'm at the library near King Avenue and as I walked here, Death Cab For Cutie's Transatlanticism came on. As the music swelled and I got closer to my old home, so did the emotions well up within me. I've journalled these lyrics before, but today they've got a particular heaviness and significance to them for some reason. 


... The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door 
have been silenced forevermore. 
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row, 
it seems farther than ever before. 
Oh no... 


I remember a time when those words were completely saturated with grief, fear, anger, brokenheartedness, despair. My faith was demolished. My cynicism grew like a rampant virus. My mind was full and yet blank at the same time. Today I hear those words and I'm emotional because I'm in what seems like a healthier place with God, with life. I'm not nearly as consumed by sadness and anger as I once was, nor am I feeling as lost. Granted, I am processing a LOT and I've got lots to hash out with God, church, people who call themselves Christians, but I'm definitely in a different place. Dare I say it feels good to be here?


I haunting line from the song remains true: I do need You so much closer.