January 11th

Sylvia Jane Shearron has been gone for 5 years now.

Pretty unbelievable.

Of course it’s hard not having my mom around for all of the obvious reasons, but what really hits me at times is just how long its been since I’ve seen her. Its been 5 whole years since I’ve seen her face or touched her skin; 5 years since I sat in the same room with her and even longer than that since I’ve heard her voice or shared a meal or conversation with her. It’s so strange.

And what breaks my heart every time I let myself think about it for too long is the fact that the man I’ve married will never ever know my mom in this life. How can two people who have been such huge parts of my life not know each other? On Christmas Day my love and I watched my old home movies and before popping the first one in I had this nervous feeling in my stomach – I felt like Blinn was getting to meet my mom for the first time and I feared that seeing her in action, hearing her voice and sharing all of that with him would be an incredibly emotional thing. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that intense and the two of us we able to just enjoy the stupid home movies for what they were. It was nice.

I’ll take this opportunity to boast about my beautiful husband. He is one of the most intuitive, compassionate and loving people I know on a daily basis, but particularly when it comes to his sensitivity about the loss of my mom. On more than one occasion I have seen him with tears in his eyes or a frown on his face because he’s missing Mom. He mourns the loss of a mother-in-law and grieves for me in his own ways. He’s an amazing, cherished gift from God.

I got this in an e-mail from my friend Adam, his words brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. My mom was really great and I wish more people could have known her. It makes me happy to know that my friends remember her and miss her on their own from time to time; I think that’s a good sign that she was a lover, a servant, and a beautiful person who cared.

…i thought about your mom again a couple of weeks ago. not just then, but (and this may seem weird) i think about jane relatively often. here are some things that make me think of your mom:

anybody who works in or for a bank

any time i eat a really good egg roll

any time i eat a really crappy egg roll (because i think of how much better it would be if i had helped make it...

this lady at my old church who is a good cook and has polynesian coloring

any time i hear jane be jane, even though the song itself doesn't have that much to do with anything

other times she randomly pays a visit in my mind. i don't know why. so i hope this wasn't too weird or painful or whatever, but i thought you might like to know that i miss your mom sometimes. she was pretty amazing…