A rant

This is part of an email I sent out on Christmas Eve. Ugh.

Brace yourself - this email is just stream of consciousness and somewhat random...

So two days after Elpida was born - almost to the very hour he arrived - my milk started coming in (to add salt to the gaping wound). I had asked two nurses at two different times if that was something I'd have to worry about and both of them told me no. They said that most women in my situation didn't have problems with their milk coming in so I should be fine. Wrong! Now I know that there is a shot that I could have received to prevent this from happening and I wish that I had gotten it. Its not something I was physically or emotionally ready to handle. Its like "God, are you serious right now?! Why in the world are you doing this to me on top of everything else?" You know how it goes - its really painful and awkward and it made me feel like I was this cripple who couldn't do a thing for myself. My whole body was sore - even my hair hurt and I literally needed Matt's help to turn over on the couch. My boobs felt hard as rocks and like the skin was going to burst off and all of this for nothing.

I had no baby in my arms to make the hurt seem less painful.

I had no baby at my breast suckling away and making that hurt seem worthwhile.

I had nothing, just emptiness and sadness and the memory of a baby boy I got to spend six hours with.

Shit.

I share all of that because when I look at myself naked in the mirror I have a visual reminder of what my body's been through in the last 4 weeks. I don't have stretch marks on my tummy, but I have a few slight ones on my breasts and that is so upsetting to me for some reason. Did you have moments like these when you'd just look at yourself stark naked and have waves of emotion come over you about the reality of everything? Often times its while I'm in the shower or when I'm getting dressed that I just start to cry because it seems so real. I don't know, its just weird how certain moments can be harder than others.

Last night Blinn and I went to a support group at the hospital where Elpida was born. The group meets monthly and it was the first meeting they'd had since I'd had the baby. The weather was terrible and we should not have been on the road, but we both wanted to be there so badly. An hour spent in the car on icy roads paid off because the time with all of those women (Blinn was the only guy there, poor thing!) was encouraging. Its saddening to walk into a room and without even saying a word, you just know that you all have something tragic in common. It was nice though, as we went around the room, to hear womens' stories and to realize that we aren't alone in this. They empathized with us and shed some tears over the rawness and freshness of our story. They offered us words of encouragement and support in ways that our family and friends haven't known to do. They cradled us with very nurturing, motherly arms and told us that whatever we were feeling, thinking, fearing, etc. was okay. Sometimes you just need to hear something like that from a complete stranger.

Recently I was telling Blinn that I vividly remember your story from years ago. I remember crying for you guys, praying for you, and being sad for you at random moments that just came out of the blue. I didn't know you, I didn't know the rest of your story, but the fact that you were a mom who had a first-born child (a son) taken away from you way too soon was jarring to me. The Smith family was in my thoughts often in those days. Little did I know then that our paths would cross years later bringing me to the place where I am now writing you this novel of an email. Its a crazy world, isn't it? Its crazy how we can find community in even the most unconventional ways and share life stories together without being face to face. Kind of amazing, actually.

Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since Elpida was born and it just so happens to fall on Christmas Day. Oh goodie. I am dreading being with our family this weekend. My side of the family, and my dad in particular, has just not dealt with this situation well at all and its been so frustrating, hurtful, confusing to Blinn and I. In order to be able to sit in the same room with my dad and some of my extended family I feel the need to have a confrontational conversation with them and my stomach gets in knots just thinking about that.

See, I told ya this would be a random email. If your eyes have made it this far, thank you. And I know I don't have to say it, but thank you for making yourself available to a girl that you barely know. Its so helpful to be able to get these thoughts into writing and share them with someone who might understand.