Monday, January 5, 2009

A rock in my gut

I've been sad today.

Amy, a girl at work who is closest to my age and had her first child in early November, came back from maternity leave today. I was surprised to see her because I thought she had one more week of leave left and instantly it was like some huge rock was thrown at my gut. She and I haven't exactly been close, but we talked a lot about our pregnancies, plans for motherhood, we swapped baby supply info, etc. and now here she is with a healthy 2 month old and I'm left with stretch marks on my boobs from milk that came in for a baby who is gone. Sweet.

The sting went a little deeper than just seeing her in person because throughout all of this she has been silent. She found out at the same time as everyone else and though I wouldn't say we're close, she is the one I've talked to the most about pregnancy-related things and she knows I don't have many friends here and it just sucked that she didn't contact me at all. She showed up at my desk this morning and said "I need to give you a hug." and confused, I got up to hug her, only to be received by a really weak, fake-feeling hug that seemed to make her feel better. With a perkiness in her voice and on her face she asked "So, how are you?" and I said "Um, okay I suppose." and she then asked all kinds of work-related questions and wanted to be filled in on the gossip she might have missed while being away. I wanted to scream.

So yeah. My heart feels heavier this afternoon than it did when I woke up and I am missing my baby. I am missing my growing belly that would be alive with his kicks right now. I am missing out on what seems like a lot in this very moment. I know it won't always be like this and I am trying to believe that one day I'll be filled with joy over a baby that is alive and well outside of the womb, but right now I don't care about all that. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to ache. Its okay to be jealous of this new mom who, because she is awkward with what to do with a grieving person, talks aimlessly about baby stuff and work gossip.

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