Bad dream

Early this morning I had a terrible dream, a nightmare. It was the kind of dream that stuck with me for hours after I was awake. The long and short of it: We lost this baby. I was devastated, angry, confused, SO sad, heartbroken, lost, defeated. The baby was not Elpida, but looked like him - body a little discolored, bloody, sort of crumpled up. Blinn and I knew the baby was dead, but he or she was still inside of me. We could see the baby, even touch it, but it was curled up on my right side, in the very place where Blinn and I felt the baby kicking last night. The dream ended (or started to end) when my alarm went off this morning. I hit snooze two times and somehow, the dream kept on going. Finally, when I got out of bed it was over, but the memories of it were vivid and real and completely disturbing.

With sleepy eyes and bed head I wandered into the guest room where Blinn was working on the computer. I told him what had happened and immediately he stopped what he was doing and came to hug me. He reassured me that everything was okay, that it was just a bad dream, that we both had felt the baby alive and well inside of me the night before and that everything would be okay. Though I knew what he was saying was most likely true, it was still really hard for me to fully believe. There are just no guarantees, ya know? There's no way for me to know that this baby is okay until she or he has been pushed out into this world and is being cradled safely in my arms. I don't like fear. I don't like questioning and the unknown. I don't like having something like this creep into my subconscious, making me believe it really happened.

Peace. We need peace as we journey through the rest of this pregnancy. For the most part, my boy and I are just filled with joy and excitement over the one who is to come. We've been able to communicate openly and freely with each other (and friends) about what we're feeling at any given moment and there is usually peace. Sometimes though, the past and my human nature get the best of me and I'm scared. Its normal. This probably won't be the last nightmare I have... but I sure hope that it is.