Professin' our love

Wednesday night as Blinn and I cuddled up to go to sleep we had a sweet little time together.

After being in the ER again for a few hours that morning, my mind was racing with worry, wonder and a little fear. I asked him if, when I have my nasty breathing attacks, he ever gets scared. He said he does and he told me that he gets scared because I'm his life. He wouldn't know what to do without me and though he knows he'd do a good job at parenting Z on his own, he wouldn't really know what to do without me in that aspect of his life either.

Ditto, my love. Dit-to.

We talked about what we'd do if the other were to die suddenly. I told him that I'd want him to remarry because a) I'd want him to find love again and be happy if another wife was something he wanted; and b) I think it would be so important for Zachari to have a mother in her life. Losing my mom at the age of 21  was hard enough and continues to present challenges for me. I wouldn't want her to go through that if at all possible. Blinn asked me if I would remarry if he died. I suppose I was expecting him to ask me that question, but when the words actually came out of his mouth, I was shocked and instantly I got choked up. I said "Wow. I don't know. I don't want to marry anyone else. I don't want anyone else." We talked things through a little more, I shed a couple tears, we held hands and I (think) we fell asleep intertwined that way.

The truth is that there's no way of knowing what either of us would do if we were in the situation or remarriage and I sure hope we don't have to find out. Yeah, we're all gonna die, but my boy and I are romantics and we hope that we grow old together and die at the same time.  :)

In those late night moments I felt like I was professing my love to Matt all over again and making vows to him in a newer, more raw, more vulnerable way than I did on our wedding day. Marriage is such a beautiful thing and I love how its continually evolving. He is the mirror that shows me all of my imperfections, he affirms me in areas where I feel unsure, and he steadies me when I feel shaky. I love that I get to love him and I really love that he loves me!