Prayer

The series that CV has been doing the last few weeks has been so good. I've identified with the topics easily, the Spirit has moved me to tears or empathy or repentance, I've sensed a change within my heart. I'm really thankful that we found CV when we did and with such ease. Its been nothing but a fabulous blessing for all of the Blinns and this summer has been no exception.

Yesterday Ben George taught. I wasn't sure what to think in anticipation of his talk. All I know of him as a leader is what we do at small group and its never all that in depth, just more of discussion type stuff. I was pleasantly surprised with his charisma and the way the Spirit spoke through him. I'm thankful for the words he brought to us. 

Let me back up a bit. Z was with us for the singing and out the blue she says "Mama, Lindsay's here!" and with eyes closed I kept singing and swaying until I felt an arm around my shoulder. Lindsay was in fact, here, and had come over to me seeking prayer. Her mom is so sick and dear God... how in the world do I pray for/through this shit-uation? I prayed for Linda's peace, a peace that can come only from above and a peace that is deep and real. I prayed that she be healed completely, knowing full well what that actually meant. It was hard, I was choked up, I couldn't believe some of the words coming from my mouth. I prayed for Lindsay, Nathan and Jonah and I prayed for myself that I might know how to be a good friend to them through this time. I was at a loss really. I've prayed that crap before and where did it get me? I've sought the healing of The Great Physician, that loved ones might have more time on this earth and well, that didn't work. Whatever. I didn't enter into that time at the foot of the throne with bitterness or resentment, but humility and a hope that God would answer the cries of his children and bring rest. Whatever form that was.

So heavy. So emotional. So good for me though. Thank you, Lindsay, for trusting me with something so fragile. Thank you Jesus, for breaking me even more. 

Back to Ben's talk. It was as if he was speaking directly to me some of the time. He gave examples of why people don't like to or are afraid of prayer. I checked a couple of those boxes. He gave examples of some of the prayers people pray, not fully believing that their words are making any difference. I checked a couple of those boxes too. He talked about our simple instructions given in the Lord's Prayer. Ha, "simple instructions". I sure do know how to complicate em if they're supposed to be so simple.

Because Lindsay and I had prayed together at the start of the service, her family and their stage of life were at the forefront of my mind. Cancer. Fucking cancer. It steals, it destroys, it kills. I hate it. Its that blasted six-letter word that has torn apart the Jesus I thought I knew. I was on a dark, downward spiral far, far away from the Lord for so long. I didn't think I'd ever turn back towards Him and frankly, I was fine with that. And yet, here I am today. I'm being renewed. I'm in the process of healing. And I suppose, its that same bloody six-letter word that is even bringing me to where I am this second. Hmm.

I have SO far to go in this journey, there's absolutely no doubt about that. Praise God for grace though, right?! I mean seriously, His grace has covered me time and time again and I will never have the words to appropriately document it all. As part of his sermon, Ben played "I Don't Wanna Pray" by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes. Really fitting for me and as good a way as any to end this rant of a post, I guess!

I don't wanna pray to my maker
I just wanna be feelin' free
Not like in a book, or the leaves of trees that shook
From a word that means only not a thing
Pardon god and mom, what I'm sayin' isn't fair
See I'm looking to become, not the prayer but the prayer
And now I don't want to pray
I don't wanna pray
I don't wanna pray
Who don't wanna pray

Not much good to talk, better to walk it
Not much good to take, better to give
We are gone forgiven and forgotten of our sins
I promise you my friend all that dies will live again
Pardon god and mom, what I'm sayin' isn't rare
See I'm looking to become, not the prayer but the prayer
And now I don't want to pray
I don't wanna pray
I don't wanna pray
Who don't wanna pray