fear (noun)
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat
• a mixed feeling of dread and reverence
• ( fear for) a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone
• the likelihood of something unwelcome happening
Two weeks ago it was made clear to me that I fear induction. It was as if a spotlight was shining on my heart and for the first time in this pregnancy, I really came to terms with what it might mean to bring this baby out into the world.
I've birthed two children vaginally. No easy feat. Unfortunately though, neither of those births were spontaneous, but induced with synthetic drug crap that raged through my veins taking more control of the situation than I cared to hand over. Since a home birth - something I desperately desire and believe in to my core - isn't going to be a reality for me, what I long for more than anything with this baby's birth is for it to happen in God's timing. Not the timing of a guess date, nor the timing of doctors or the hospital. Just a good old, catch-ya-off-guard, go into labor when the baby decides it's time kind of labor. That's not so much to ask. Yes, the safety of the baby is of the utmost importance if a specialist decides that taking the baby before she or he is ready is best, I will grit my teeth and go with it, but in my heart of hearts, its not at all what I want.
My experience with induction hasn't been pleasant. Four years ago it was a grueling, four day long process to bring forth a boy that had no life. I never want to relive those dark days. Two and a half years ago it was a two day, draining process that brought us our sweet girl, but she wasn't ready. Thankfully, she was alive and healthy and now brightens our days, but again, not something I'd like to relive. There was nothing natural about the way labor started in 2008 or 2010. Maybe 2013 will be the year for that?
Am I obsessed with these thoughts? Maybe. Do I need to let go and let God take the reins? Oh sure. And believe me, I'm trying. I'm thankful that this time around I'm in a better place spiritually on my own, but also with a spiritual community that I can turn to with these thoughts and concerns. I have asked for much prayer and as the guess date draws near, I'm sure more prayers will come.
+ Jesus, pour out Your peace. Breathe life into the lungs of this child and grow him or her until the day of birth. Allow this baby to determine it's birth day and allow me the gift of a labor free of as much of the artificial stuff as possible. I believe that You can answer the cries of your children. Please help my unbelief. +
I've birthed two children vaginally. No easy feat. Unfortunately though, neither of those births were spontaneous, but induced with synthetic drug crap that raged through my veins taking more control of the situation than I cared to hand over. Since a home birth - something I desperately desire and believe in to my core - isn't going to be a reality for me, what I long for more than anything with this baby's birth is for it to happen in God's timing. Not the timing of a guess date, nor the timing of doctors or the hospital. Just a good old, catch-ya-off-guard, go into labor when the baby decides it's time kind of labor. That's not so much to ask. Yes, the safety of the baby is of the utmost importance if a specialist decides that taking the baby before she or he is ready is best, I will grit my teeth and go with it, but in my heart of hearts, its not at all what I want.
My experience with induction hasn't been pleasant. Four years ago it was a grueling, four day long process to bring forth a boy that had no life. I never want to relive those dark days. Two and a half years ago it was a two day, draining process that brought us our sweet girl, but she wasn't ready. Thankfully, she was alive and healthy and now brightens our days, but again, not something I'd like to relive. There was nothing natural about the way labor started in 2008 or 2010. Maybe 2013 will be the year for that?
Am I obsessed with these thoughts? Maybe. Do I need to let go and let God take the reins? Oh sure. And believe me, I'm trying. I'm thankful that this time around I'm in a better place spiritually on my own, but also with a spiritual community that I can turn to with these thoughts and concerns. I have asked for much prayer and as the guess date draws near, I'm sure more prayers will come.
+ Jesus, pour out Your peace. Breathe life into the lungs of this child and grow him or her until the day of birth. Allow this baby to determine it's birth day and allow me the gift of a labor free of as much of the artificial stuff as possible. I believe that You can answer the cries of your children. Please help my unbelief. +
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