Four

Dear Pax, 

Everything we have from your short life fits into a shoebox. The journal I kept while I was pregnant, photos from your birth day, momentos from the hospital. Sometimes I can forget how short your life was and how tiny your body was, but when I see this collection of random things, everything comes rushing back. 

I'm curious what you would be like if you were alive today. You would be the oldest grandchild on both sides of our family. Would you rule the roost and tell your cousins what to do when you were all playing together? Would you be spoiled rotten?

What sorts of things would you be into as a four year old? Superheroes, automobiles, swords and messy outdoor fun like your papa and so many other little boys? Would you be really outgoing or more reserved in social settings? Who would be your friends? Would you enjoy preschool?

If you were here today, would Zachari be here too? You two would've been really close in age and definitely not how I'd have planned it, but who knows. And would Little One be on the way right now? I'd much rather know you in this life and get to hold your hand as you cross the street or kiss your cheek goodnight than know the void of not having you here. But its hard to imagine life without your little sister in it - or even the baby I'm carrying now. Our life would be so different and until I meet (you and) Jesus, I'll never know the plan in its entirety. 

Earlier this afternoon Zachari and her best bud Annabelle helped me make brownies for us to celebrate with. They loved the activity and I loved sharing it with them. Annabelle was obviously into the photo op, but your practically-a-teenagr-sister's expression tells a different story. Don't let her fool ya though...

once it came time to mix the batter, add chocolate chips and later add sprinkles, she was ser-i-ous!

Here's a video of ZJ singing to you, followed by a pic of her blowing out the candles. So sweet. 

We miss you, Baby Boy, and we always will. Thank you for the ways you changed me and your papa and for the joy you brought to our life. 

Love, 

Mama