It has been 1095 days, 156 weeks, 36 months and 3 years since I held my son in my arms. However, the number that's most upsetting out of all those is the amount of time we spent with him: less than 6 hours. Why didn't we take more time? Why didn't we take more pictures? Why isn't he here with us, alive and well?
With each year that passes since that dark night, the pain stings just a little less and the hollow feeling is a little less hollow. No matter how much time goes by we'll never forget him and we'll be forever changed by his short, sweet, precious little life.
As November 27th approached this year I took comfort in the fact that it was also the first Sunday of Advent. In Landing Place days I came to appreciate the season of Advent and began to confront the Christmas season with more meaning than I did as I was growing up. After Mom died I threw in the towel on Christmas celebrations. Decorations, Christmas songs, a tree, buying gifts? Forget it, it all felt meaningless, painful and wrong. Its mostly been bahhh humbug for me while my husband was full of jolliness, but he gave me space and time and now I'm finally coming around. I attribute much of my change of heart to my little girl because seeing the world through her eyes, especially this time of year, is magical. God might have a little something to do with the change too, I suppose. ;) So, three years after Baby Boy was born, my heart and mind are in a fresher and freer place. Thankful.
Last week I mentioned to Blinn that I wanted to do something special on the 27th each year, but I wasn't sure what. He agreed and we brainstormed all week long, but didn't come up with anything that felt significant enough. We decided that next year would be the first year we started do something annually because rushing to choose something just for the sake of choosing something wasn't necessary.
On Saturday and Sunday we talked to Zachari about her big brother and told her that his birthday was coming up. She likes birthdays so she was pretty engaged in the conversation. On Sunday afternoon Z and I made birthday brownies and we put a 3 candle in them and let her blow them out. She said his name several times and said it with a smile. Its beautiful to watch the wheels of her mind turn and to hear her sweet voice utter his name.
And then dinner time came. Bekah called to see if we'd want to share and Advent meal with her. Our answer was yes, of course, and the meal she made us was delicious. Zachari went to bed shortly after we ate and we three adults finished off the Moscato, indulged in the birthday brownies, and shared in an Advent reading. We lit the first of the four candles and stayed at the dining room table only lit by that one candle the lights on the tree for what seemed like hours. Matt and I got to re-tell some of our story from that November week and share details about our son. We talked about where Bekah was at this time three years ago - another reason to give thanks for new beginnings - and the conversation was rich with life. Hope. Love.
In the midst of deep sadness and loss, Matt, Bekah and I all found healing three years ago (and continue to). I am thankful for the gift of new days, new beginnings and a renewed spirit.
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