What's in a name?

For nearly nine months I've been sitting on this. 'How do I put my thoughts and feelings into words?' I'd ask myself. 'What will people think when they hear what Blinn and I have done?' I'd wonder. Enough. Now, the story of the naming of our firstborn child, my beloved baby boy.

When we learned that our baby was gone four years ago it was devastating. All the hopes and joys we had for that his life were extinguished within moments and the world came crashing down around us in slow motion. We were crippled, angry, so sad. In the hours leading up to the birth, Blinn and I had to decide on a name. Such a hard decision. The names we'd picked out for a boy or a girl were names we envisioned for kids running around full of life, not a child we'd go home without. Those names didn't seem right and so it was back to the drawing board in the agonizing hours that led to our son's arrival. 

Blinn suggested the name of Elpida for a boy or a girl. I didn't like it. I liked what it meant for our story, but as the name for our child? Nope. I said that for a girl it might work, but for a boy, it just didn't seem masculine enough. Blinn's response was "What could be more masculine that hope?" After all, it had been the cry of our hearts in years past as we journeyed through the Palmers' battle with cancer and it was the very word forever etched into the arm of my husband. I still wasn't convinced... though I had no other ideas of my own to contribute.

November 27, 2008, 6:36 p.m. - Our son was born. We couldn't believe it. Not only was our child here and not at all the way we'd imagined, but our firstborn child was a son. Even in extreme grief, Matt took such pride in his sweet boy. I remember the look on his face as he wept bitterly and cradled the baby, but he also had a faint smile on his face. I lay in the bed across the room from them wailing in disbelief and pain. This wasn't really happening. Right? Later I composed myself a bit, Matt brought our son to me and the word Elpida kept running through my head as I looked down at him. I fought it, but it was the name that seemed to fit. And so, we named our son Elpida Matthew which means hope, gift of God. Matt said he felt that the name Elpida was a sign for us, a sign of hope in the Kingdom of God and hope for the future of our family. I could resist the name no more, it seemed perfect.

In the weeks and months following that day as we told the story of our son's name, it never quite settled with me completely. If I'm being really honest, I almost tried avoiding having to say his name because I didn't like it so much. Not really the vibe you want to give off when telling your son's story, ya know? I later learned that Matt wasn't totally sold on it anymore either. 

And so, sometime last year Matt and I started talking about what it would be like to change our son's name. I mean, who does that? Who changes someone's name years after the fact and years after that person has died, at that? In sharing this story and our insecure thoughts about changing Elpida's name with the MacCaugheys on New Year's Eve, Aaron reassured us that God! God changes names. He did it throughout the Bible, He did it when a person was alive and when a person was raised from the dead. Though, it was when Aaron specifically referenced Revelation 2:17 that a fresh peace washed over me about everything. The passage says “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches. To everyone who is victorious I will give some of the manna that has been hidden away in heaven. And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it." (NLT) What a beautiful gift to my heart in the final moments of the year. When we go from this life to the next, we could be given a new name, a name that might come as a total surprise to us or a name that might finally feel like the right fit for who we've lived all those years. God grants us His goodness even in those final moments and imparts His wisdom until the very end. Sooo maybe its not so strange to change a child's name years after the fact?

The name we now use for our sweet baby is Pax Elliott. This was the name we had in mind when we thought our little one would be keeping us awake all night, going to preschool, heading to the prom, getting married. It was the name I thought I couldn't use for him because I liked it too much and wanted to save it for another boy down the road. But the truth is, Matt and I could never think of naming another boy Pax because deep down in our hearts we knew the name was already taken.

Pax - Latin, peace
Elliott - Hebrew, my god is the Lord 

As chaotic of a situation as it was on that November evening, there was still a deep sense of peace, an assurance that God was taking care of us. We've since been reminded often of God's love for us and how our needs are accounted for before we even know them. Our god is becoming more and more the Lord of our life as a family and its perhaps because of that tiny baby boy that we are where we are today.  I'm thankful for how Pax is part of our story and for the ways his short life blesses us and teaches us such important lessons.