I love my children.
I am so thankful that they're alive and healthy, smart, active, curious, and growing in the ways they should be.
I am humbled - all the time - by how hard Blinn works so that I'm able to be home raising Zachari and Jonathan.
And yet, wonderful and blessed as my life certainly is, today I'm feeling very trapped. Choked even. I feel guilty for saying these words, but I am human. I think I'm pretty normal, actually.
A little while ago Blinn and I had an argument and stupidly, it was stretched out over a couple of hours. He was super grumpy which made me grumpy and the sour way he interacted with me made me dish it right back. So much for being level-headed or the bigger person, huh?
When we stormed off from each other I got to thinking and my mind's been racing ever since. I don't want to take the time to type every little thought out, but I did want to take a moment to vent. I'm not perfect. This blog is never meant to make it seem like I am. I'm a flawed, pitiful woman trying to be a good mother, a good wife and a good person. I need posts like these for my sanity and to be as real with life as I can be. When I look back on this entry in a few months or a few years I will probably laugh it off, but its worth documenting in my opinion because its real.
Showing posts with label Complaining. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Complaining. Show all posts
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Snoring, grunting, scratching, moaning
Will I ever know a good night of sleep again?
Will there ever be peace and quiet in my bedroom so that I can fall asleep easily... and stay asleep all night long?
Will I have to go to bed hours before my husband like Mom did just to try getting a head start on some sleep?
Am I being a little dramatic? Maybe. Its how I feel inside right now in the dead of night though. I am tired. I want to sleep. And in this second, I sort of don't think it'll ever, ever happen.
In the last six weeks I've been sandwiched between two boys who, each in their own way, have unique ways of keeping me awake at night. Sure, Jonathan is up every few hours to nurse and honestly, that's been the least of my troubles. Its the snoring that Blinn now does or the grunting that Jonathan does because he's a gassy so and so. Or then there's Blinn scratching himself in his sleep that while he's doing it, seems like he's scratching for an eternity and will actually draw blood because he's been doing it for so long. Or how about the moans that Blinn makes every. single. time. he turns over. And he turns over a lot. And his snot-sucking, one of the things super high on my pet peeve list. Add to this list my little boy who has a cold this week and who breathes/snorts like a piglet, Zachari who sometimes wakes up crying in the middle of the night, the impossible task of regulating my body temp so I'm either sweating through the sheets or shivering with cold and who knows what other noises and distractions I'm leaving out. Sigh. Its a mess in that room down the hall. A mess!
I don't remember being a light sleeper at home growing up, but started waking easily in the freshman dorm with all the ruckus that girls would be up to at times. That's when I started sleeping with a fan at night to drown out the noise. Blinn hates that he have this in our room and though it doesn't drown out the racket that takes place in my bed each night, I can't imagine trying to sleep in a room without it at this point!
Jonathan's noises I can handle. I'll admit that there are times when I don't have the best attitude about them, thinking that it'd be so nice if he was quiet, but I check myself real quick. He is alive. He is breathing. He is my gift and his grunts and squeals are evidence of a Father who is taking care of him. The nights this week in particular have been rough because of J's cold and in the midst of my sleeplessness with him, I've been reminded of the Baxters. What they wouldn't do for the interruption of a baby's noises in the middle of the night. Instead, there's a deafening silence that shakes them to the core. I am blessed to have this little boy in bed beside me. I need to straighten up.
And then there's Blinn's carrying on. There have literally been times in the last couple of weeks where his snoring has woken me up and I actually thought it was Dad in the bed with me because it was so loud! Do you know how strangely disorienting it is to be woken up from a rare deep(er) sleep thinking that your father is lying next to you? Creeps me out! With Blinn I've also tried being thankful for him even through the frustration. My morbid mind often wanders to a time when he might no longer be sleeping next to me at all and how sad I will be without him. How I'd look back on nights like these longing to hold him close to me one last time and how silly I would feel about posts like these because they're so minor. Or I think about if he got really sick and breathing became a very difficult thing for him. I try being thankful for him and his sounds, but it doesn't work very well. I feel like because he's an adult, he should be quieter or something. It doesn't make sense, I know. Jonathan is helpless and can't control what he does, but adults can. I realize that what Blinn's doing in his sleep isn't intentional, nor is it something he can control necessarily. But in my irrational, middle-of-the-night brain, I don't always remember that.
Will there ever be peace and quiet in my bedroom so that I can fall asleep easily... and stay asleep all night long?
Will I have to go to bed hours before my husband like Mom did just to try getting a head start on some sleep?
Am I being a little dramatic? Maybe. Its how I feel inside right now in the dead of night though. I am tired. I want to sleep. And in this second, I sort of don't think it'll ever, ever happen.
In the last six weeks I've been sandwiched between two boys who, each in their own way, have unique ways of keeping me awake at night. Sure, Jonathan is up every few hours to nurse and honestly, that's been the least of my troubles. Its the snoring that Blinn now does or the grunting that Jonathan does because he's a gassy so and so. Or then there's Blinn scratching himself in his sleep that while he's doing it, seems like he's scratching for an eternity and will actually draw blood because he's been doing it for so long. Or how about the moans that Blinn makes every. single. time. he turns over. And he turns over a lot. And his snot-sucking, one of the things super high on my pet peeve list. Add to this list my little boy who has a cold this week and who breathes/snorts like a piglet, Zachari who sometimes wakes up crying in the middle of the night, the impossible task of regulating my body temp so I'm either sweating through the sheets or shivering with cold and who knows what other noises and distractions I'm leaving out. Sigh. Its a mess in that room down the hall. A mess!
I don't remember being a light sleeper at home growing up, but started waking easily in the freshman dorm with all the ruckus that girls would be up to at times. That's when I started sleeping with a fan at night to drown out the noise. Blinn hates that he have this in our room and though it doesn't drown out the racket that takes place in my bed each night, I can't imagine trying to sleep in a room without it at this point!
Jonathan's noises I can handle. I'll admit that there are times when I don't have the best attitude about them, thinking that it'd be so nice if he was quiet, but I check myself real quick. He is alive. He is breathing. He is my gift and his grunts and squeals are evidence of a Father who is taking care of him. The nights this week in particular have been rough because of J's cold and in the midst of my sleeplessness with him, I've been reminded of the Baxters. What they wouldn't do for the interruption of a baby's noises in the middle of the night. Instead, there's a deafening silence that shakes them to the core. I am blessed to have this little boy in bed beside me. I need to straighten up.
And then there's Blinn's carrying on. There have literally been times in the last couple of weeks where his snoring has woken me up and I actually thought it was Dad in the bed with me because it was so loud! Do you know how strangely disorienting it is to be woken up from a rare deep(er) sleep thinking that your father is lying next to you? Creeps me out! With Blinn I've also tried being thankful for him even through the frustration. My morbid mind often wanders to a time when he might no longer be sleeping next to me at all and how sad I will be without him. How I'd look back on nights like these longing to hold him close to me one last time and how silly I would feel about posts like these because they're so minor. Or I think about if he got really sick and breathing became a very difficult thing for him. I try being thankful for him and his sounds, but it doesn't work very well. I feel like because he's an adult, he should be quieter or something. It doesn't make sense, I know. Jonathan is helpless and can't control what he does, but adults can. I realize that what Blinn's doing in his sleep isn't intentional, nor is it something he can control necessarily. But in my irrational, middle-of-the-night brain, I don't always remember that.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I just peed my pants a little
How's that for the title of a post?!
I wish it was just to be funny, but it is in fact, truth. I'm 31 years old and twice in this pregnancy I've peed my pants a little while sneezing. Yup.
As much as I love pregnancy and as much as I value it as a gift, the truth is that its actually not smiles and roses all the time. Granted, I could have things much, much worse and I count myself quite blessed compared to many a woman and her ailments. But! Things have happened to my body throughout three pregnancies that I didn't know were possible and that no man will ever understand. This list is in no way exhaustive, but just a taste of what a prego body can go through to produce a tiny human being.
I wish it was just to be funny, but it is in fact, truth. I'm 31 years old and twice in this pregnancy I've peed my pants a little while sneezing. Yup.
As much as I love pregnancy and as much as I value it as a gift, the truth is that its actually not smiles and roses all the time. Granted, I could have things much, much worse and I count myself quite blessed compared to many a woman and her ailments. But! Things have happened to my body throughout three pregnancies that I didn't know were possible and that no man will ever understand. This list is in no way exhaustive, but just a taste of what a prego body can go through to produce a tiny human being.
- Leakage. My goodness, the leakage and the constant need for a pantyliner through the day and night
- Aches and pains - especially in areas where you didn't even know you could have aches and pains
- Cravings that are inexplicable to the point where you just have to "blame" the babe because nothing else makes sense
- Sensitive, bloody gums
- Tender boobs
- Stretch marks
- Hair loss
- Acne and other skin issues
- Nausea
- Aversions to certain foods/smells that were never an issue before pregnancy
- Extreme fatigue
- Organs and bones shifting to new places in the body
- Swelling - in places you didn't know could swell
And the list goes on! Its amazing how much a woman's body endures throughout a ten month pregnancy, but what comes from it (almost) erases everything. In the end, I'll end up with the teensiest person that is part me, part Matt and 100% a miracle. This pregnancy hasn't been easy on my body, there's no doubt about that, but I am still thankful. I'm already so in love with my son or daughter and once I meet him or her face to face, this list will be a distant memory.
I'm so excited!
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