Hair

Well, exactly one month ago I took the plunge. I did it. I cut all my hair off. And I have to say, its been one of the best decisions of my entire life. 

I feel like a new woman and wish I had made the chop long ago. I have more confidence and spend less time getting ready or glancing at the mirror throughout the day. I have au-natural curl and I own it!

Pointless post

Yesterday someone in the house across the alley from us got a shed delivered...

It was some stand-up-on-the-gate-and-watch-for-half-an-hour kind of excitement over here, folks!

Mom fat

Yep. I said it. 

Mom fat. (What a vulnerable post this is gonna be.)

I have it. My mom had it. Probably every mom on the face of the planet has it. That bit of pudge that you didn't have pre-babies. That extra layer of fat and skin that is a constant reminder of the you you are now, not the you you were a few years ago. That area of your body that you'd rather not let the world see, the part you suck in or hide behind certain pieces of clothing. The part that you're really uncomfortable with your lover seeing or touching because you feel so insecure about it. 

The last few nights as I've been nursing Jonathan to sleep, when he gets to my right breast, his sweet little left hand rubs my tummy. It wanders down my side, wraps around to my back sometimes. He flicks me a little, pinches once in a while, caresses in a tender way. He doesn't care what my body looks like. Its home to him, the place where he feels most secure. I'm the only one that can calm him a certain way, the only one that can nourish him like I do. He doesn't care about the extra pounds or the new curves or the stretch marks. He just wants to touch me and know that I'm there. His home base, his safe place. Its so sweet. So simple. Beautiful, really. This is a thing I'll miss when our nursing relationship comes to an end.

The mom fat. 

I remember the rare times that I'd see Mom in just her underwear and I remember almost pitying the way her body had become with older age. The photos I'd seen of her in her younger years were stunning, she was a knockout, I know why my dad was so head-over-heels for her. How very shallow of me, how outward-appearance-only of me. I was young. I cared what I looked like more than I wanted to admit and if I'm being really honest, I cared what my mom looked like and I wasn't so proud of her body as she got older and carried on extra pounds after carrying, birthing and raising us all those years. I'm not proud of this confession today, but it feels important to say so that when my children read this in years to come they know that I was human, that I had/have my insecure and selfish moments too. I want them to know that the grandmother they'll never get to know was a real woman. I'm sure there were parts of her body she wasn't crazy about and I bet there were times in her life where she compared herself a few times too many or said unkind things about herself more than she should've. But we are real women. Imperfections, extra curves, fears and all. These things don't make us less than, quite the contrary. I would argue that they make us great. Relatable. And I've already said it, but REAL! 

I'm not willing to just settle for how my body is right here and now, I want to be healthier for sure. I am slowwwwly taking steps to get there too. But in this moment, I am really trying to be more okay with how I am post-baby and how I'm aging. I like what Shauna Niequist says on page 184 of her book Bread and Wine: "I want to be the kind of person who makes peace with her body. Also, I want to fit into my pants. Not size-two pants. Not Barbie pants. Just, you know, very average-sized jeans from the Gap. I want to live with peace and confidence, without deprivation and shame, and while I'm being honest, I want to retire the maternity yoga pants that, unfortunately, I'm still wearing because they're the only ones that fit. I don't want to live by rules and regulations, but I also don't want to be ruled by my appetites."

No living by my rules or the rules that society tries to force upon me as a woman. No more being a slave to my appetites either. I am a work in progress and I'm covered by the grace of Jesus which makes me whole. 

Thank goodness.

Things to remember

The other night Blinn and I were just discussing that probably one of the most fun things about Baby Girl (and most impressive) is her expansive vocabulary. Her ability to engage in intelligent conversation at the ripe age of three and a half is so great. She's such a sponge right now and does so well at picking up words after only hearing them a time or two (whether we want her to or not!) and when we encourage her to repeat words, she often gets them right on the first try. Such a Smartie Pants, my little lady is! Some words though, don't always come out perfectly and they're ones I want to remember because they often crack me up!

air conditioner = (hair) conditioner
aterator = Gatorade
spanitch = spanish
scrambled-in eggs = scrambled eggs
I'm sweating out!
brew = bruise
torafided = terrified
I can't inside it out
festabowl = festival
ocarryim = aquarium
sigarring = smoking and a cigarit = a cigarette

World Breastfeeding Week: Day 4

Oh man. I'm a sucker for Ryan Gosling. But Ryan Gosling, the Lactivist? Gah!

My stud of a husband is not only more attractive than this chap, but he supports me in ways like this - and then some! I am so thankful for the love and encouragement he's given me as I've nursed our children and I sincerely appreciate him. 

He's bonded with our kids by talking to them in the womb, doing lots of skin-to-skin time with them when they were newborns, reading to them, wresting with them, telling them they're loved and beautiful. He helps with feeding them solids and changing their diapers, he spends quality time with them all the time. Ryan Gosling is right: There are lots of other ways for papas to bond with their children other than feeding them milk from a bottle and my man's got them down pat! Matty Boy, I love you and I love that you're the daddy to our kids. 

Things to Remember

Zachari Jane Blinn is always a ball of surprise. Sometimes the surprise comes in the form of an out-of-the-blue temper tantrum where I totally lose my cool and scream back at her as she's yelling at me. Sometimes the surprise comes in her sweet nature with the elderly and her care for our neighbors on Deming Avenue. And then many times, her surprises come in the form of humor and she cracks me up! We've had two of these very funny moments in the last week that I want to remember. 

• A few days ago we were driving around in the car and I decided I wanted to pray. There wasn't anything wrong, I wasn't feeling at my whit's end, I just thought it would be good to pray on the spot more often. So I said "Zachari, I'm gonna pray right now. Do you want to pray with me? Her response was "WHY? Its not time for bed and its not time to eat!" I giggled a bit to myself, but was also sad that she thought those were the only times to pray. I told her I thought it would be nice to pray together any time and she said "Well, is someone sick?" Grrr! All the more reason for us to pray together regularly, I thought! I explained my motives a bit more and she sighed and said "Ugh, okay I'll pray, but I'm not gonna say anything. You say it all!" And I did. And she said amen with me. Baby steps, right?!
• Yesterday we were in the car again and I out loud said "Thank you Jesus for this beautiful day!" There was silence for a few seconds and then from the backseat I hear, in a toddler's version of a deep voice: "You're welcome!" I turned back to look at Z and she had a big old smile. I started cracking up. Then she said "And I died! ... but I'm coming back, so I'll see ya soon!" Hilarious girl! She was pretending to be God responding to my giving thanks for the beautiful day and it was freaking adorable and hysterically funny and a moment I want to remember for a really long time!

She's precious. I'm really glad I have her in my life. 

Snoring, grunting, scratching, moaning

Will I ever know a good night of sleep again? 

Will there ever be peace and quiet in my bedroom so that I can fall asleep easily... and stay asleep all night long?

Will I have to go to bed hours before my husband like Mom did just to try getting a head start on some sleep?

Am I being a little dramatic? Maybe. Its how I feel inside right now in the dead of night though. I am tired. I want to sleep. And in this second, I sort of don't think it'll ever, ever happen.

In the last six weeks I've been sandwiched between two boys who, each in their own way, have unique ways of keeping me awake at night. Sure, Jonathan is up every few hours to nurse and honestly, that's been the least of my troubles. Its the snoring that Blinn now does or the grunting that Jonathan does because he's a gassy so and so. Or then there's Blinn scratching himself in his sleep that while he's doing it, seems like he's scratching for an eternity and will actually draw blood because he's been doing it for so long. Or how about the moans that Blinn makes every. single. time. he turns over. And he turns over a lot. And his snot-sucking, one of the things super high on my pet peeve list. Add to this list my little boy who has a cold this week and who breathes/snorts like a piglet, Zachari who sometimes wakes up crying in the middle of the night, the impossible task of regulating my body temp so I'm either sweating through the sheets or shivering with cold and who knows what other noises and distractions I'm leaving out. Sigh. Its a mess in that room down the hall. A mess!

I don't remember being a light sleeper at home growing up, but started waking easily in the freshman dorm with all the ruckus that girls would be up to at times. That's when I started sleeping with a fan at night to drown out the noise. Blinn hates that he have this in our room and though it doesn't drown out the racket that takes place in my bed each night, I can't imagine trying to sleep in a room without it at this point!

Jonathan's noises I can handle. I'll admit that there are times when I don't have the best attitude about them, thinking that it'd be so nice if he was quiet, but I check myself real quick. He is alive. He is breathing. He is my gift and his grunts and squeals are evidence of a Father who is taking care of him. The nights this week in particular have been rough because of J's cold and in the midst of my sleeplessness with him, I've been reminded of the Baxters. What they wouldn't do for the interruption of a baby's noises in the middle of the night. Instead, there's a deafening silence that shakes them to the core. I am blessed to have this little boy in bed beside me. I need to straighten up.

And then there's Blinn's carrying on. There have literally been times in the last couple of weeks where his snoring has woken me up and I actually thought it was Dad in the bed with me because it was so loud! Do you know how strangely disorienting it is to be woken up from a rare deep(er) sleep thinking that your father is lying next to you? Creeps me out! With Blinn I've also tried being thankful for him even through the frustration. My morbid mind often wanders to a time when he might no longer be sleeping next to me at all and how sad I will be without him. How I'd look back on nights like these longing to hold him close to me one last time and how silly I would feel about posts like these because they're so minor. Or I think about if he got really sick and breathing became a very difficult thing for him. I try being thankful for him and his sounds, but it doesn't work very well. I feel like because he's an adult, he should be quieter or something. It doesn't make sense, I know. Jonathan is helpless and can't control what he does, but adults can. I realize that what Blinn's doing in his sleep isn't intentional, nor is it something he can control necessarily. But in my irrational, middle-of-the-night brain, I don't always remember that.

Rainman moments

Zachari Jane is a smart girl, yes. But sometimes... sometimes too often, the girl is almost too smart for her own good!

Today she was in bed with Blinn and I for nap time and I looked to him and said "I'd really like an s-n-a-c-k, but I'm too lazy to get up." (Yes, its true.) Zachari perked up and said "Oh, can I have some too?!" Blinn and I looked at each other, smirked a little and I said "Can you have some of what too, Zachari?" And in her total matter of fact way, she shrugged her shoulders and said "A snack, mama!" Blinn and I laughed out loud. There's no way she actually knew what I had just spelled. It was a crazy guess, right?

Then, to test the waters a bit, I said "I'd also really like a d-r-i-n-k." and Blinn said asked Zachari what those letters meant. She giggled and said "Drink!" Blinn and I burst out laughing, our eyes all huge with amazement. Do we have a Rainman child on our hands? Probably not, but geez, the girl sure keeps us on our toes!

This is definitely one of those things to remember and if she does turn out to be some sorta genius down the road, this will be proof of her brillance early on in life. 

I love my cooky girl so much! 

I just peed my pants a little

How's that for the title of a post?!

I wish it was just to be funny, but it is in fact, truth. I'm 31 years old and twice in this pregnancy I've peed my pants a little while sneezing. Yup. 

As much as I love pregnancy and as much as I value it as a gift, the truth is that its actually not smiles and roses all the time. Granted, I could have things much, much worse and I count myself quite blessed compared to many a woman and her ailments. But! Things have happened to my body throughout three pregnancies that I didn't know were possible and that no man will ever understand. This list is in no way exhaustive, but just a taste of what a prego body can go through to produce a tiny human being. 

• Leakage. My goodness, the leakage and the constant need for a pantyliner through the day and night
• Aches and pains - especially in areas where you didn't even know you could have aches and pains
• Cravings that are inexplicable to the point where you just have to "blame" the babe because nothing else makes sense
• Sensitive, bloody gums
• Tender boobs
• Stretch marks
• Hair loss
• Acne and other skin issues
• Nausea
• Aversions to certain foods/smells that were never an issue before pregnancy
• Extreme fatigue
• Organs and bones shifting to new places in the body
• Swelling - in places you didn't know could swell

And the list goes on! Its amazing how much a woman's body endures throughout a ten month pregnancy, but what comes from it (almost) erases everything. In the end, I'll end up with the teensiest person that is part me, part Matt and 100% a miracle. This pregnancy hasn't been easy on my body, there's no doubt about that, but I am still thankful. I'm already so in love with my son or daughter and once I meet him or her face to face, this list will be a distant memory. 

I'm so excited!

Things to remember

Whew! Its been a while since I've done one of these posts. Shame on me! Today's version is a list of words that Zachari says a little funny that I want to remember. She is a hoot!

snote = snout and/or snott
hessescope = stethoscope
bullical chord = umbilical chord
nusic = music
bytamins = vitamins
muzzles = muscles
freckles = scraggles, my made-up word for Blinn's face when he needs to shave
nexis = necklace(s)
screwb = screw
bideo = video
doornog = doorknob 
pees ossir = police officer
bowlay = ballet
axinet = accident
goodness eggs! = goodness sakes!
She often confuses anything with nothing so if you ask her "Zachari, what happens if you don't listen to your papa?" She'll pout and say "Anything!" Sas. A. Frass!

With ease she can pronounce words that many other toddlers would find difficult such as:
cooperate
complicated
exquisite 
tributary
quesadilla

...but some of the day to day ones cause a little more trouble, I suppose. I love her. 

I'm SUCH a good mother

Earlier today as I was in the bathroom getting ready I could hear Zachari down the hall playing with her babies. She's totally precious with them and its one of the joys of my day to get to watch her or eavesdrop from another room as she cares for all of them and pays such close attention to details like any good mama would. Today I heard her saying things like this:


"You okay, baby? Okay, that's good. I love you.
Oh yeah, that's good, you did it! Good job, sweetie!
Shh, shh, you're okay. I keep you safe, its okay baby. Your mommy is here.
You ready for another bite? Okay, here you go. Tastes good, huh? Good job!"
And she carried on...


As I listened, I thought to myself, 'Man, I'm such a good mother. Surely, Z is so sweet and caring towards her dolls because I (and Blinn) model that for her on a regular basis. I sure am thankful that she's not spanking them all the time, or putting them in time out, or yelling obscenities at them. I'm sure there are some kids like that..."


A few hours later in conversation, I realized how ludicrous and arrogant those thoughts sounded and how wrong I really am about my mothering skills. Sure, I care for Z in the best ways I know and I work hard at nurturing her in a loving, patient way, but I fall short. Every day. I fail. Every day. I lose my patience, probably every day. There are gobs of things she could model about me that I wouldn't be so fond of so its probably just that I heard her playing on a good day. Maybe she mimics all of my behaviors, the good, bad and ugly, more than I'll ever know. 


I was reminded of Paige's talk in service yesterday morning about trying to make ourselves seem better than the next guy. Be it parenting, sports, cooking, etc., we are always trying to make ourselves out to be best at something. Lame. That's not what we're called to do as followers of Jesus. The Jesus who stands beside us does not take pride in our boastful nature or our sneaking forward just to make someone else look less. He hates it, actually. There's a lot in me He hates, I'm sure of it. To make the mood a little lighter yesterday, Paige showed this hi-larious Portlandia clip which of course made me laugh, but also smacked me in the face about how ridiculous I can be at times. And today especially, as I'm tooting my own horn about how kick-ass I am at parenting, I realize I'm really just a little guy and I have so, so much to learn. Humility and submission, being at the top of the list. 


I'm thankful for lessons like this, as much of a blow to my pride as they might be. I'm thankful too for a god who loves me despite the crap I pull. My faith is ever-changing and in turn, my relationship with The Good Father continues to evolve. I'm thankful.

Who comes up with this stuff?

So funny. There's really nothing else I can say about it. 


And yes, I can actually identify with some of the lines in this clip. 


Hollerrrr!

For laughing out loud

Its no secret that Ryan Gosling is one of my favorite actors, he's seriously amazing. (Its also no secret that he's pretty easy on the eyes.) Through Favorite Blogger I came across this site and its hi-larious! These are the ones that stick out to me and my crafty nature. If only...

How many times has my own Leading Man given me a pep talk like this
when I've been overwhelmed by my self-imposed deadlines?

Such a Matt Blinn thing to say.

Again, Matty Blinn.

I think Blinn knows what bunting is, but if he said something like this,
I'd make out with him in front of our large picture window.
Naked. Okay, maybe not...

Wendy gets this one. The Twinery, right?!